Tuesday, October 31, 2006

November 1st

Happy Halloween and you know what that means? Thanksgiving is just around the corner and you know what it is my favorite holiday of the year, for fairly obvious reasons. Any day on which all I have to do is wake up and eat until I throw up is ok with me.

Thanksgiving, which is often held on a Thursday, gives rise to the night before Thanksgiving, which is the “biggest drinking night of the year.” The entire American population, ok perhaps it is just a Pittsburgh thing - knowing that they have the day off work the next day and only have to overeat, spends the night before Thanksgiving getting bombed. Yours truly has a Thanksgiving Eve ritual which involves a $10 all you can drink draft special for five hours, followed by an evening-ending artery-hardening-one-more-nail-in-the-coffin Primati sandwich and bowl of French fries covered in cheese at 3am, and a drive to check out the hooker in Aliquippa to see if Touchy Heather or at least I think that is what Anthony said her name was is around (I never loved anyway like I loved Touchy Heather. Let’s talk about something else before I lose your respect.).

In addition to the traditional Thanksgiving activities ? eating, drinking. I get to have two dinners one at my mom’s and the other at my dad’s houses. In the meantime, it is very important this time of year to be thankful for what we have. So below I have whipped up a short list of what I am thankful for, in no particular order (but the last one is my favorite).

I am thankful for:
- baked macaroni and cheese
- the push-up bra
- easily spreadable butter products (i.e. Country Crock)
- fat women who don’t care that they’re fat and really know how to have fun
- the live version of Elvis Costello’s “Motel Matches” from “Goodbye Cruel World”
- getting letters in the mail, yes I SAID IN THE MAIL
- ice cold cans of Natural Light
- the Pill
- having my own bathroom
- a really fucking good cheeseburger from Wendy’s
- my new iPod
- $3 shots of yager
- the lovely Hispanic woman next door to me
- Hispanic women
- J-Lo’s butt
- pooping
- slow dancing
- dads with moustaches
- taking a long hot shower on a cold day
- women who tan
- VH1 Classic 80’s
- my bookcase which makes me look really smart
- my new job (seriously)
- Red Bull and yager
- when women wear blouses and they move a certain way that the fabric between buttons collapses and you catch a glimpse of their boobies
- creamed chipped beef
- Sam Smith’s Nut Brown Ale, Guinness, Newcastle
- baked ziti
- throwing the old pigskin around with my nehews
- my family and friends and blah blah blah
- breakfast meat
- Luden’s Wild Cherry cough drops
- sour cream and barbecue potato chips
- being hungover on a Saturday in the fall when it’s 47? and rainy and staying in bed in the cold sheets, blankets and pillows until 3pm
- Gatorade the next day after drinking
- when Hispanic women wear short leather skirts with leather knee high boots (Ummmm perhaps I have a fetish)
- old people who curse a lot
- Bloomsbury, London
- Bill Murray
- you all passing on this site/linking me on your sites so that I’ve obtained a modicum of “fame”, which in turn has gone straight to my head
- cleavage

Monday, October 30, 2006

Yeah it was a bad Sunday

Yeah it was a bad Sunday, as a Steeles fan I am feeling low after Sunday's defeat against the Oakland Raiders. For a fan, the loss is especially painful because the Steelers were favored to win the game. Turnovers and missed opportunities combined have me raising the obvious question - did Big Ben come back too soon?"As much as I like Ben, I still think he needed another week off. He's great. He had a couple of plays here or there. We're Super Bowl champs, we're going to make it but I feel that the team has lost its heart."They came in with big heads and haven't delivered on their promises as Super Bowl champions. The only bright spot was that I got to watch Cincinnati get Vick-timized by Michael Vick who had his way with the Bengals defense Sunday, leading the Atlanta Falcons to a 29-27 triumph over Cincinnati. Carson Palmer kept it close for the Bengals, throwing for 266 yards and two touchdowns, including a 55-yard scoring strike to Chris Henry that cut the Falcons' lead to 29-27 with 3:41 to go. But Vick helped the Falcons run the clock down to 19 seconds before a punt pinned the Bengals at their 17-yard line, where Palmer fumbled one play later while being sacked.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Saturday morning thoughts

I blew off class today just because I am totally burn out and I need a vacation! So instead I went grocery shopping then I clean my flat, I also took pictures of my flat so expect some posts showing Castle De Scott shortly. I cleaned my living room, I got to clean the windows but the problem is I do not do windows. After that I cleaned my bedroom and my bathroom after which i finally cleaned my kitchen... as I was cleaning my bathroom I was thinking that one of these days my kitchen will drop into the basement. It's already leaning, I call it the leaning kitchen of burgh but hey I am just a renter hopefully it will not fall until after I move in March. The Steelers are playing tomorrow, let's all cross our fingers and hope they get their act together!


Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Aquarius
Humanity needs you, so don't toss out these ideas because they seem off-the-wall. The more bizarre, the better. Remember that this is the brainstorming stage. Later on, you can refine your approach.

Friday, October 27, 2006

What's your name?

What's your hobbit name?

Mine is Lotho Loamsdown of Great Smials

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

There is 3rd sports team in Pittsburgh

Yes it is true there is a 3rd sports team that calls Pittsburgh home. Whom may that be you ask? Well it is the NHL's team the The Pittsburgh Penguins! Yes last night I watched the Penguins defeat the devils by 4 to 2. It was a awesome game! Tell you what they are a team to watch this season, I predict they might go as far as the playoffs but I do not think they will win the Stanley cup.

They have some really talented players like Evgeni Malkin who scored a goal in his fourth consecutive game to start his career, fellow Pittsburgh rookie Jordan Staal scored his third goal in two games which helped the Penguins beat the New Jersey Devils 4-2 on Tuesday night. The Penguins, the Atlantic Division's last-place team the last four seasons, find themselves in an unfamiliar spot since the days following Mario Lemieux's comeback nearly six years ago: first place.

They have won three in a row for the first time since March 2004, a span that includes the 2004-05 labor shutdown season. Their 5-3 record may not seem all that great, but it's a big improvement from the Penguins' nine-game losing streak to start last season. The players most responsible for their improved record created most of the offense in a game the 18-year-old Staal, 19-year-old Sidney Crosby and 20-year-old Malkin teamed to take 13 of Pittsburgh's 25 shots.

Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury, making his eighth consecutive start, turned aside 20 of 22 shots.

The Devils, who got goals from Scott Gomez and Sergei Brylin, lost their third in a row and have scored only 13 goals in six games. With Malkin moved up to Crosby's line, Nils Ekman played on the Penguins' No. 2 line with Staal and Mark Recchi for the first time and scored Pittsburgh's first goal and assisted on Staal's fourth career goal. Crosby and Malkin each had a goal and an assist after being united on the No. 1 line by coach Michel Therrien on Monday.

Malkin's goal came midway through the third and was exactly the kind of highlight-reel goal he scored so often for Russia in international play and with the Russian Super League last season. Taking a cross-ice pass from Crosby in the Devils' zone, he split two defenders and did a spin move near the net to cleanly beat goaltender Martin Brodeur on a backhander to restore Pittsburgh's two-goal lead. Malkin, who missed the Penguins' first four games with a dislocated left shoulder, is the first NHL player to score in each of his first four games since Steven King of the Rangers in 1992. Staal, one game after becoming the youngest player in NHL history to score short-handed twice in the same game, had made it 3-1 with just under five minutes left in the second period during a three-man rush with Ekman and Recchi. Brylin closed it to 3-2 in the third, but Malkin answered about two minutes later just past the midpoint of the period. Malkin also made an exceptional pass to create Crosby's third goal of the season less than two minutes into the second period, a one-timer set up when Malkin skated hard down the left wing boards - an unaccustomed spot for a player who normally is a center - and put a pass directly onto Crosby's stick.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

They still have a chance, a slim chance but a chance

A trip down memory lane

Who Dey The Steelers might have lost Randell El, The Bus, and Big Ben is not the same since his motorcycle accident but if you recall there was those that had doubt the Steelers could pull it off last year, they said they were done for but Steelers pulled it together and become the road warriors all the way to Detroit! It was the Pittsburgh Steelers thatWON! Just as it will be Pittsburgh Steelers that shall win on December 31 - in fact I have fifty dollars that says it will be a Steeler win do I have any takers?

Steelers Vs Bengals Dec 31st

Brrrrr getting a little nippy out there

Yes tis a little chilly out there, found that out the hard way as I crossed the Roberto Clemente bridge by Bicycle. I was a bid lazy yesterday cause I drove but in my defense I had plans to hang with the bank crew and well walking home from the Northside of Pittsburgh to the Southside is ... scary. With the Cold Weather The First Appearance Of Snow with it's temperatures have taken a dive and now some snow the weather forcast say it could be on the way for many parts of the Pittsburgh area. Already, some snow flakes have fallen; however, not much accumulation is expected for the city. The Laurel Highlands, though, are expected to see the most snow - as much as two inches. Gosh darn I am glad I live in the city and not the mountains! What's the weather like where you are?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Funny Cartoon

Joe cartoon rules!

Awesome day

I had an awesome day today. I woke up feeling fully rested and was excited to get my day started. I went shopping with one of my favorite people in the world, was surprised by some gifts and nick-nacks, had my phone ringing off the hook at some points of the day with coworkers and friends on the other end of the line, got a ton of things checked off my to-do list, and got to sit and relax for awhile. This evening some of my new coworkers invited me to one of my favorite cafe where from the moment we started our night together until we all went our separate ways, was non-stop laughter and good times. I am a fiend for games like Hangman and tic-tac-toe on bar napkins, I fucking rule! Besides all that this morning I was able to wear a pair of pants that last year my fat butt could not fit into but this morning I was able to wear them and the best part ... I did not pop a button off the waist! Is that not fucking awesome?!

The perfect woman, I began many months ago actively seeking that perfect woman, as so many young men do I choose to jump back into the mix, I say jump back into it because for sometime I was out. It was for many reasons but mostly because at the time back in college and I had felt that because I was in school I would never be seen as a ideal match for any potential Ms. Right. Well anyway in searching for the perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone whom was in my mind the ideal mate (I am not speaking of Tracy a.k.a. Ophelia). No her name was Kristina and we started as friends in hight school and it grew from there but unfortuately after high school I did not take my life serious enough and had no real ambition in life. To make a long sad story short she split and I chose to go back to school and well I am were I am in life now. Now with that in mind after completing my quest for education I saw my career going no where I hit a brick wall. Last summer was the darkest time in my life because I saw my career dead and friendships that I valued equally dead. Today, after many years of living alone I sit here on my couch recovering from a slight cold I realized something about perfection... Perfection comes only with time.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Steelers Lose In Overtime, 41-38

Bill Cowher's Post-Game Press Conference
Hines Ward's Post-Game Press Conference

ATLANTA It was a game full of ups and downs, but in the end the Steelers couldn't pull out a victory.With a field goal in overtime, the Atlanta Falcons sealed their win over the Steelers, 41-38.Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher says it was a tough loss but his team gave it everything they had."They left everything they had on that field and I couldn't ask more of them. I'm very proud of that group of guys in there," he said during his post-game press conference.Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger threw three touchdown passes for 238 yards, before he was hurt in the third quarter and left the game.He returned to the sidelines during the fourth quarter dressed in street clothes.No. 2 Quarterback Charlie Batch entered the game and threw two touchdown passes for 192 yards.With only seconds left in the fourth quarter, the refs called a false start against Nate Washington which led the game into overtime."He called a flinch on No. 85 Nate Washington. That's what he called. You take it from there. I'm just telling you what was called," he said to reporters.The Steelers are now 2-4 but, according to Cowher, the season isn't over yet."We've dug a hole for ourselves no question but I know the character of this football team and we will be back," Cowher said.

You make up the title for this one

Last Friday, I got drunk, got some Cold Stone ice cream (cake batter, oreo, and whipped cream mix) and the came home and puked a bunch.

Last night my friend Connie called from New York with some terrible news. I did some searching and found this article, which says Cold Stone, on July 1, recalled all its cake batter ice cream because of a salmonella outbreak. So I thought about it... then I thought about it some more... July, October so I thought some more...

I’m not a doctor, and it is entirely possible that it was the dozen beers, then some ice cream, then the pizza, then some more ice cream that got me sick. But the question still remains: can I sue them? I sure hope so. I haven’t been involved in litigation but the the adrenaline rush would be great!

I should hope by now that it’s obvious that I’m only doing this blog thing for rock stardom. Isn’t that what everyone wants, to be a rock star? Unfortunately, though I do not play the guitar and I do not have the voice of an angel but I do have enough talent to become a rock star on myspace. I do have band names already picked out, and they change constantly. Right now, I’d say my band name if I were to start a band would be either:

- Muslim Scott and the Blonde Juggernauts;
- The Center Street Jigglies; or
- One Fat Guy in a Chair And [that’s it - it ends with “And”]

I’ll let you know if these change, but I don’t think you can beat Muslim Scott and the Blonde Juggernauts. That’s just gorgeous or my back up singers would be!

I don’t mean to get all soft on you, but I do thank you for giving and reading my whiney rants about it especially thosewhiney rants from 2005. Now we’ll just move on before I start crying or some shit (not out of gratitude, but because I’m coming down from a major buzz right now and it’s really cold in my apartment - perhaps I should turn on the heat?).

Friday, October 20, 2006

The great stink

Major dilemma: my cubicle smells like pooooo. It may sound like I’m going for a cheap laugh by writing that (it doesn’t get any cheaper than using the word “pooooo”), but my cubicule really does smell like someone broke wind somewhere and then did a half-ass job of trying to ... cover up. When I opened sat down this morning, it was like getting hit in the face with an old sock, so much so that I let out an audible “Ech” in the otherwise silent office area, prompting our group administrative assistandt to say, “Is something wrong, Scott?”

I did some searching and it doesn’t appear that there’s any sort of visible poooo stain. As a veteran of secretly breaking wind then ... crop dusting, I checked all the spots I might hide something yucky if I had to do so in the office - under my desk, on the other side of my desk, in one of my drawers, all over because I couldn’t move anywhere fast enough - but nothing.

However, it still reeks really bad. My manager came into the office this morning and immediately made a face of disgust - a face not like one would make if they caught their parents making love, but maybe a face they’d make if they caught their weird hipster cousin giving her tattooed/pierced boyfriend a handjob in the yard after Thanksgiving dinner (and no, this didn’t happen to me althrough I do have a 3rd cousin twice removed that well I wish I could play West Virginian with). Anway sensing my manager passing judgment on me we had this exchange:

Me: “Do you smell that?”
Manager: “Yeah, it stinks.”
Me: “I don’t know what it is.”
Manager: [believing it is me, trying to diffuse the situation] “It’s not a big deal.”
Me: [getting defensive] “When I came in this morning, it smelled like this.”
Manager: [having no interest in arguing with a smelly person] “Really, it’s not a big deal.”
Me: [more defensive, hyper] “Oh, I know it’s not a big deal. I’m just surprised by the smell like this, because this isn’t coming from me.”
Manager: [uncomfortable, silence for two seconds] “So can you swing by my office when you get a chance?”

So my manager thinks I smell like poooooo. Great.

About an hour after this encounter, we had our weekly update meeting. I love the meetings, because I feel so important: sitting around the conference room overlooking a picture of Manhattan with the Twin Towers in the big comfy chair, all the while scribbling things down and drinking water, looking serious, smart, important. Sure, I may actually be thinking about how getting high in my bathtub, but whatever or getting my buzz on at Dee's Cafe.

This meeting was different though because a short time after plopping down in the comfy chair, I noticed that smell again. Whatever the source of this stink, it had now transferred itself to the conference room. Althrough this time it was more then just I and manager. So the whole time I sat through the thirty-minute meeting, I was sweating (more than usual) and worried that someone would say, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but does anyone smell that? It smells like someone drank a quart of semen and an onion and then threw it back up.” Fortunately, no one said anything.

But the whole experience made me VERY self-conscious perhaps it was me. Was it really me that smelled like stale poooooo/puke? I checked my breath and it seemed fine, but I brushed my teeth anyway. I smelled my pits and they seemed ok, so that now I have a nice half-inch thick layer of white covering my armpit. My only guess was that it could be my pants, because I just got them dry-cleaned. I tried smelling them, but I could only smell my well you know.

Running out of options, I made a decision: I would get something pungent for lunch, hoping that the smell of the lunch would essentially cancel out the smell the of pooooo. Not knowing what else to get, I decided to go with tuna.

Terrible, terrible decision.

It didn’t work at all, and instead added another awful smell to the mix. As it stands right now, I’m sitting in the office which smells like pooooo and tuna.

So that’s my day. How is yours going?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

PC Load Letter and an twisted story

If you have not seen this movie then you won’t appreciate the humor when I say “PC Load letter, dam machine!” Today I had to fax a release letter on a mortgage to the collateral group and the fax machine would take my letter, approval and about five other documents and spit it back out giving me a error message just as frustrating as PC Load letter… that fax machine has given me trouble in the past and if it keeps it up I am going to do a Michael Bolton on it. Again you have got to see the movie to understand “doing a Michael Bolton on a fax machine” thing. Now on to a scary story so if you can handle it please read on but beware… HA HA HA (evil laugh) This is called setting the mood.

The Dark Character
When I first heard about Bloody Mary, I got excited. I told my friends about it but they didn't seem to care. I asked them to help me summon her and they said "yeah-yeah"... but they didn't! I am the only one who likes these kind of things so I was going to try it on my own. I was headed to the bathroom with a candle when I stopped because I didn't dare to do it alone. Incidentally, I have seen someone in mirrors, and it's always the same character I see every time.

One time when I was at my buddy's house, I stopped in front of a mirror hanging in the hallway. It was almost midnight and the hallway was dark. I looked closely in the mirror when I noticed that I almost couldn't see my face anymore, it was like looking through someone else's glasses. Then, I saw this huge, shadowy character, at least two meters tall. I looked closer in the mirror and this dark character was right behind me! I quickly turned around. Nobody was there.

I looked at the mirror again. Nothing wrong this time. Then unexpectedly, I almost blacked out. I had to sit down and breath slowly. The guys in the living room were wondering what happened. I said it was nothing, because they would laugh at me if I told them the mirror nearly made me black-out.

I've seen it, again and again. No ball of light, no girl, no bloody faces or babies. No stairs, no teddy bears. But the shadowy, dark, huge character is standing behind me every time I look into a mirror in dim light! Maybe I will try to summon Bloody Mary, I'm almost convinced that she will appear or this thing stalking me will appear. But I need to wait until my friends gather some courage... I just don't dare to do it alone...

Monday, October 16, 2006

Lots of things

One dominating afternoon in which the Steelers looked very much like champions may not have changed people'sopinions.

But it may have altered the AFC North race.

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was everything he hadn't been all season in Pittsburgh's 45-7 romp over the Kansas City Chiefs. He was effective and efficient while throwing not only short but deep, leading an offense that rolled up 372 yards while building a 31-0 lead by halftime. Maybe, coach Bill Cowher said, Roethlisberger was back on game because he didn't try to do everything by himself. Roethlisberger said, "The line did a phenomenal job."The two AFC North teams ahead of Pittsburgh -- Baltimore and Cincinnati -- each lost Sunday, the Ravens to Carolina and the Bengals to Tampa Bay.

Pittsburgh has another sports team that adds excitement to the aveage life of us Pittsburghers besides the Steelers... it's none other then the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Happy Friday the 13th Walmart

Friday the 13th was unlucky for that evil empire Wal-Mart because Wal-Mart Loses Labor Lawsuit, Owes At Least $78M (AP) PHILADELPHIA Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the world's biggest retailer, must pay at least $78 million for violating Pennsylvania state labor laws by forcing employees to work through rest breaks and off the clock, a jury said Friday. (What's this mean to consumers? It means Walmart will raise prices to off set their loss cause that is the Walmart way.)

Michael Donovan, a lawyer for the plaintiffs, had asked the jury for at least that amount for what he said were missed or shortened breaks, or time employees worked off the clock.

The class-action suit involves 187,000 current and former employees who worked at Wal-Mart and Sam's Clubs in Pennsylvania from March 1998 through May of this year. The Common Pleas Court jury found Thursday that Wal-Mart violated state labor laws.

Lead plaintiff Dolores Hummel, who worked at a Sam's Club in Reading from 1992-2002, charged in her suit that she had to work through breaks and after quitting time to meet work demands in the bakery. She said she worked eight to 12 unpaid hours a month, on average, to meet work demands.

"One of Wal-Mart's undisclosed secrets for its profitability is its creation and implementation of a system that encourages off-the-clock work for its hourly employees ..." Hummel said in her suit, which was filed in 2002.

The plaintiffs used electronic evidence, such as systems that show when employees are signed on to cash registers and other machines, to help win class certification during several days of hearings last year.

Wal-Mart had a corporate policy that gives hourly employees in Pennsylvania one paid 15-minute break during a shift of at least three hours and two such breaks, plus an unpaid 30-minute meal break, on a shift of at least six hours.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Reality TV

You know, I try not to watch a lot of reality tv, and I guess it’s because I think I’m smart. But sometimes I just can’t help it. Also, in the case of last night’s rerun of the Real World, it makes me feel better about myself. Just when I’m seriously starting to believe I’m crazy, the lead character goes and blows me out of the fucking water. Holy shit. I know, she has cystic fibrosis, so let’s give her a break, but the whole thing with wearing the “Dave Rocks” hat and waiting to see the moon because they just had a fight, I mean - I don’t even have a joke here.

Coming in at a close second in the “I’m the craziest bitch on the planet” race is Robin. Robin might actually be ahead of Frankie, but I’m in love with her, so I’ll put her second. She reminds me a lot of the woman I will someday marry - irresponsible, drunk, angry, but with GIGANTIC boobs. I wonder what is the over-under on months before Robin is in some sort of porn? I’d say 6. What are the odds that I will buy that porn in both DVD and VHS format? I don’t think Vegas will even touch that one - there’s no element of chance.

Fear Factor is the show that pisses me off the most. Can’t you run out of species of bugs to eat or buildings to jump off of? Well, I guess you can’t, but don’t people get tired of watching it? What’s next, “Tonight contestants, you have to eat the contents of this bucket, and the bucket is filled with….used syringes and human feces!” or “Contestants, for tonight’s competition we will put each of you in an 8×8 cage with a grizzly bear that you must fight to the death. To make it interesting, we haven’t feed the bear in over a week, but we have been giving it Red Bulls and lots and lots of cocaine and hitting it in the genitals with a tazer. Amber, you’re first - good luck and may God have mercy on you.”

I have the perfect idea for a television show, and it’s currently being shopped. You take a beer distributor, and you make it a liveable apartment. Then you take eight people, from 21-25, four guys and four girls, and make them live there. The catch: they have to drink all the beer in the warehouse in eight weeks, and they each win $500,000.

Just take a minute to think of it. In the opening show, the host could be like, “To put that in perspective, that’s sixteen beers per day, per person, for the next fifty-six days” to make it all dramatic. And you could have all of your stereotypes: a super hot girl who’s a bitch, an alright looking girl with a heart of gold, a fat chick who loves to party, and another girl; then a frat guy who loves to party, a guy who gets drunk and gets morbidly depressed, a guy who always wants to fight when he’s drunk, and another guy.

Think of the drama that would unfold. The deception, the fights, the hooking up. There could be challenges, where whoever wins the challenge can take a day off from drinking and make the others drink their beer. I’m not sure if we should let them outside the apartment/distributor, but I think you would have to, lest they start taking each other’s lives. The details haven’t exactly been fine-tuned yet, but one thing is certain: it would be the best show in television history and it would make me so rich that I could sleep with tons of foxy ladies and keep my shirt on the whole time, and they wouldn’t say things like, “Why do you always keep your shirt every time we have sex?” or “I’m not having sex with you in the shower again because last time you kept your shirt on and it really freaked me out.”

You know, I don’t throw the word “genius” around often, but I think this certainly warrants it.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My upcoming weekend

This weekend I have two strange things happening:

1) I’m helping Chad move probably stuff... not 100 percent sure
2) My father's brother is having a family get together

Don’t get me wrong - I love my father but sometimes, well, he can be a lot of work.
I can picture us at dinner now:

Dad: “So, have you met any nice girls recently?”
Me: “Some, you know.”
Dad: “Because Uncle Jeff told you, if you wanted to invite any girls to dinner with us, you could have.”
Me: “No, it’s fine.”
Dad: “You know, there are lots of nice girls at home. Why don’t you just move back Sq. Hill meet a nice Jewish girl?”
Me: “Dad, I’m not moving back to Sq. Hill to meet girls. That’s retarded.”
Dad: “Don’t say that word. It’s just that you’re getting old, and maybe you should find a girlfriend -
Me:"why don’t you come to the kitchen and have a beer with me?”
Dad:"I don't drink"
Me: “Just come to the kithchen.”

[go to kitchen with dad. eight to thirteen seconds of silence, as he watches me open a can of beer, before he speaks]

Dad: “you aren’t gay, are you?”
Me: “No dad, I’m not gay.”
Dad: “Because, if you are, it’s not ok. Your mother will be crushed, and you’ll grandparents will role over in their graves.”
Me: “Dad, I’m telling you, I’m not gay. Just because I don’t have a girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m gay.”
Dad: “You should just tell me now. I won’t be ok with it, but the sooner we know the better.”
Me: “Dad, look, I’m NOT gay. You know I’ve had girlfriends. I am just going through a dry spell”

[more silence, this time twenty to twenty-five seconds of it, I zip the beer]

Dad: “What about the websites? Your mother said something about websites. Have you tried the websites?”
Me: “I’m going back to sit down dad.”

I can’t say this conversation will happen verbatim, but I think I’m about 90% right.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Chargers 23, Steelers 13

The title says it all, what a disappointing game that was. The Steelers have lost three straight games for the first time since late last season. They recovered then to earn a wild-card playoff spot, then went on to win the Super Bowl.

The Steelers were shut out in the second half this does not make me happy...

Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger were two of the top three quarterbacks taken in the 2004 draft. While Roethlisberger helped beat the Chargers here 24-22 last year when Drew Brees was San Diego's starter, his return was a lot more painful. While Roethlisberger looked sharp in directing three scoring drives in the first half, he also was pressured most of the night. He threw two more interceptions, giving him seven this season, and was sacked five times. He has yet to throw a touchdown pass this season!

Besides staying up late to watch that very disappointing game I also had a few beers... it was late by the time I got to my flat but I did not care because Monday I had the day off cause it was a holiday! What holiday you ask? Well I am glad you asked it was Columbus Day! (Tis great to work for a bank.) After five centuries, Columbus remains a mysterious and controversial figure who has been variously described as one of the greatest mariners in history, a visionary genius, a mystic, a national hero, a failed administrator, a naive entrepreneur, and a ruthless and greedy imperialist. Columbus's enterprise to find a westward route to Asia grew out of the practical experience of a long and varied maritime career, as well as out of his considerable reading in geographical and theological literature. He settled for a time in Portugal, where he tried unsuccessfully to enlist support for his project, before moving to Spain. After many difficulties, through a combination of good luck and persuasiveness, he gained the support of the Catholic monarchs, Isabel and Fernando. The widely published report of his voyage of 1492 made Columbus famous throughout Europe and secured for him the title of Admiral of the Ocean Sea and further royal patronage. Columbus, who never abandoned the belief that he had reached Asia, led three more expeditions to the Caribbean. But intrigue and his own administrative failings brought disappointment and political obscurity to his final years and this was the man we honored today. Any questions?

Friday, October 06, 2006

There are those

There are those that say I have a drinking problem but I do not think I do. I visit the bar once a week, sometimes twice ... okay i visit a bar three times a week does that make me have issues with drinking? When I do visit the bar I feel less like a loser and more like a person... I have confidence with the ladies when I have more then one or two beers in my blood.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The "Mock 10" Signs of Blog Addiction

I normally frown upon spreading propaganda that minimizes the serious nature of anyone's cause. However, in the name of education and awareness, I would like to point to the this juvenile “Top 10” list of “symptoms” which indicate you may be a addicted to blogging just as I am. I will not reveal the authors as to not credit them in any way. Please be aware that this ignorance is out there—and defeating the spirit of the cause. so without any further delay The "Mock 10" Signs of Blog Addiction

10. You check your blog stats a LOT. You occasionally get up in the middle of the night and sneak a peak.

9. Your significant other suspects you are having an affair with your blog. Even when you’re alone with your special person, you do find yourself thinking what your blog might be doing right then… or whom is posting what to your blog

8. You “mental blog” while driving or on the train, and sometimes even when you are alone in the shower.

7. You filter everything through your post-writing. You can’t watch a movie, see a play, read an article, or share a sweet moment with your child without thinking of whether it’s blog-worthy.

6. You suffer from “blog envy” when another blogger posts something juicy before you do. You suffer “comment envy” when said post gets 40-something comments – the jerk!

5. You “binge blog” 3 or 4 posts at once—only to feel guilty and empty afterward.

4. You ditched all your real friends for blog friends, because, well, “they understand.” You bypass Bowling Alone at the bookstore (who really cares?) while you reach for Naked Conversations.

3. You think, “I can stop at any time.”

2. Your lunch hour has become your “blog hour.” You keep a few posts tucked in your desk in case you need them during the day.

1. After 5 minutes of meeting someone really interesting you ask, “So - do you blog?”

one (zipper), two (hair), three (music)

First, for the first hour and a half of my day, my fly was open. This time included leaving my apartment, walking acorss town, walking around my department, and talking to two of my co-workers while standing in the doorways of the manager's office. Nice. For being totally fucking awesome, I rewarded myself with a bacon, egg and cheese bagel. It was terrific.

Second, speaking of being totally fucking awesome, you have no idea how good it feels to come b ack from lunch at 1:30 with a nice buzz, feeling happy, only to check your email to read 60 emails from co-workers saying, "Dude, you really neeed to color you hair it's to bleach blonde." Yeah okay so I had a issue when coloring my hair last night but hey at lunch I was mistaken for a chubby Emeinim. That’s totally fucking awesome.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that my main priorities while in Point Park this weekend were not focused on my hair. In fact, if I had to put them in order of importance, my priorities would have gone:

1) Getting messed up.
2) Eating pretty much everything put in front of me, live or dead.
3) Not masturbating.
4) Seriously, getting really messed up.
5) Wearing a hoodie that says "Maine" even though I’m not in Maine.
6) Sorting all kinds of shit out.


11) Inhaling a lot of second-hand cigarette smoke at Dees Cafe.


23) Telling everyone about how Wendy’s now has a vanilla frosty and saying "It blew my fucking mind" over and over again.


58) Not answering any calls or emails at work.


83) Raving about the Wendy’s grilled chicken sandwich I ate on the walk home, mentioning the vanilla frosty again. Adding, "Doesn’t that blow your fucking mind?"


597) Making sure my hair looks good for the pictures that my friends are taking while intoxicated only to email me at work telling me how bleached it is.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that though my hair may appear a little bit bleached almost white, I have lovely hair. Well, maybe not lovely, but I’m not going bald. Sure, I do have power alleys, but my hair is fine. Ok? Let’s just move on before I get too wound up.

(Also, do you know how windy it is corssing the Clemente bridge in Pittsburgh? The answer: Lots. Lots windy. Not good for hair.) Okay my day is going well...

Monday, October 02, 2006

Scary story time

With Halloween just around the corner it's time for a scary story. Sara, Kaz, Brian, Superblog and Alice this is dedicated to you.

Laura gazed longingly at the ocean blue floral print dress displayed in Tilly’s Boutique window. It’s just perfect, she thought.

She went in the store and strode over to the counter. On a shelf above the cash register a portable radio played a song that tugged her heart string. When the lady behind the counter asked Laura if she could help her, she said that she would like to try on the blue dress in the window. The clerk undressed the mannequin and directed Laura toward a small room in the far corner.

She removed her blouse and jeans and slipped on the dress. The mirrors around the little room revealed a slim, curvaceous figure hugged snugly inside the dress. She twirled and wavy red hair bounced about and blended enchantingly with the ocean blue flow that surrounded her.

"My Blair will just flip when he sees me", she thought. Blue was Blair’s favorite color, and she could hardly wait to see his eyes light up and his wide smile as he gazed at her in the new dress, the way he had gazed at her on their first date. She would capture that exhilarated moment and store it in her vault of keepsakes, her heart. A white toothy smile complemented the sparkle in her eyes. She touched the glinting gold chain that encircled an exquisite
neck. It was a gift from her Blair.

The dress’ $38.99 price tag was within her budget, and she did not hesitate to buy it. In the background the radio poured out bad news: the slasher who had brutally murdered four young men was still at large; on Lexiton a fire had claimed a family of five; a rabid German shepherd dog had killed its owner and was still on the loose; the Municipality of Black Rock announced that a two-percent tax hike will come into effect in the coming fiscal year.

Laura did not let bad news get her down anymore. The world was filled with it, and one just had to deal with it in her own way.

"If it’s okay with you," Laura said to the clerk, "I would like to keep the dress on, as I’m going to meet my Blair." Just the utter of his name caused her heart to flutter.

"You’re the first customer who has ever made that request," the clerk said. She smiled. "However, it is written all over your face that your Blair is very special to you. It would be a shame to see that glow leave your face."

Laura imagined that the glow on her face which the clerk referred to must be similar to the happy little faces on "her children" at Black Rock Elementary, where she taught.

She thanked the clerk and left the boutique carrying her worn clothes in a Tilly’s shopping bag. She smiled at passers-by. They smiled back at her. She reached her car, a blue Neon, and was about to get in when she saw an old lady, limping slowly across the street toward Tilly’s parking lot. The street light winked green, and impatient drivers honked horns and shouted disparaging remarks at her.

Laura threw her shopping bag in the front seat and hurried toward the old lady. "Let me help you," she said, holding out her arm. The old lady looked up in surprise. She was maybe in her seventies. Her face was a map of wrinkles, and there were deep pouches under her eyes. She flashed yellow-stained teeth and held on to Laura’s arm. Laura allowed the lady to lean against her as she helped her across the street.

"Thank you kindly, dear," the old lady said, breathing heavily. "No one has done a kind deed for me in years." Her voice was a mingle of sadness and regret.

"It was my pleasure," Laura said.

"Oh my!" the old lady exclaimed. "What a lovely dress." Her face suddenly lit up. "Oh, I recognize that look on your face. You’re in love, and you deserve to be."

Laura tingled all over. She leaned forward and kissed the old lady on the cheek. "You have a nice day. Bye."

She turned and went back to the Neon. When she got the car moving, she turned on the radio. Lonestar’s "Amazed" drew a joyous squeal from her. "They are playing our song, Blair," she said out loud, as if he were sitting beside her. She had her own cassette of Lonestar in the glove box and played "Amazed" every time she went to meet her Blair. She tingled as she recalled that special night when Blair had professed his love to her.

A speeding, siren-wailing police cruiser passed her. Maybe the two officers she had glimpsed in the front seat of the cruiser were dealing with some of the bad news she had heard on the radio news at Tilley’s, she thought.

The sound of "Amazed" faded and another country love song began. Laura braked the Neonfor a red light. She leaned over and opened the glove box. She picked up theLonestar cassette and saw the narrow gold-colored box, the gift box that had contained the 20 karat gold chain circling her neck. For a moment her smile wavered, and a streak of loneliness embraced her. Then she glanced down at her new dress and her spirits revved to its highest
gear. She smiled.

She closed the glove box and inserted the cassette into the player. When the street lightflashed green, she started on her way, humming the words to "Amazed" withLonestar. In the distance the sun was an orange ball setting below the mountain.

As she drove, her thoughts returned to the old lady she had helped earlier. "You’re in love, and you deserve to be," she had said. Of course, she did. It was all she lived for nowadays.

When she reached Calvin Street, dusk had settled on Black Rock. At that moment she sawhim coming out of the store. He closed the door behind him and locked it. Shepulled the Neon into the driveway of Thompson’s Electronics.

He was handsome. Blair. Her Blair. He was especially handsome this evening in his gray, pin-striped suit. He rarely wore suits, mostly at weddings and funerals.

She turned up the stereo’s volume and "their" song drifted across the driveway. She opened the glove box and took out the gift box. She liked to carry the box with her when she went to greet him.

He walked toward his car now.

She got out of the Neon. "Blair!" she called.

He stopped and looked in her direction.

She hurried toward him. "Do you like the dress?" she said. She twirled as if she modeled for him. "I bought it especially for you."

He looked at her strangely. Where was the sparkle in his eyes and the wide-eyed smile she expected? He doesn’t like the dress, she thought. She couldn’t understand. He liked surprises, and it was a new dress. It was his favorite color.

"I’m sorry," he said. "You have mistaken me for someone else."

Her heart sank. Her lips quivered.

"No," she cried. "You are my Blair."

"My name is Todd," he said. "I’m sorry."

"You’re doing it to me again," she blurted. "I thought you had changed, but you’re still a deceitful bastard."

He gaped at her. My God, she thought, he’s looking at me as if I were some kind of freak.

"I have something for you," she said. She lifted the cover off the box. The black handle blade shone in the half-darkness. She gripped the handle and pulled the knife out of the box.

She swiped at him and the blade slashed his throat. Now he gives me that wide-eyed gaze, she thought. Still no smile. Only an expression of shock, and terror. A neat bloody gash along his throat. He tried to speak, as if to call out, but only a gargling sound could be heard, and she was the only one there to hear it.

She slashed him again and blood spurted from his chin. He raised his hands in front of him, as if to ward her off. She slashed his hands. He turned and tried to run but collapsed on the pavement. He wasn’t her Blair. Not the one who had promised to marry her and love her forever. She slashed him again. He was the old Blair. The one who had run out on her. She slashed him again and again until his suit was splattered in blood. He twitched like a dying fish stranded on a beach.

She watched him gargle. Drown in his own blood. Just has she had watched the four others. The gargling stopped. The twitching stopped. He stared up at her with unblinking eyes. She wiped the blade over her dress. The dress didn’t matter anymore. It was worn. She would go home and dispose of it in her backyard as she had done with the
other four dresses.

When she finally found her Blair, and she would find him, she wanted him to see her in a new dress, because he liked surprises. His eyes would light up and he would give her that broad smile she adored. That is how she would know her Blair from the deceitful one. Until then, she had the happy faces of "her children" to fill the void.

She picked up the box, put the knife back in it, and returned to the Neon. She pulled out of the driveway, humming the words to "their" song. She was in love, and she deserved to be.

If I could make it across the county line

If I could make it across the county line I will be safe, yeah eat my dust you local bacon bit PD! Now before I go into my story I have to say that this week was the Pittsburgh Steeler by week for those none football fans that means no Steeler game so I was forced to watch the New England Patriot game. It was indeed a good game especially for the Steelers because the Patriots blow up the Bengals, 38-13 With defensive secondary starters Eugene Wilson and Ellis Hobbs both inactive against one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL, this game looked decidedly in favor of the home team Bengals on paper but was anything but on the field. Patriots fans, in which I am not one however, should never forget the ability of its team to overcome injuries and make the experts eat their words. In one of the most impressive wins of the Belichick era, the Patriots neutered the Bengals high-flying offense and went on a scoring rampage of its own to the tune of a 38-13 win over the unbeaten Bengals.

Now on to my story, I went out to Belle Vernon, PA on Sunday cause I had to meet Krazy Wanda. Wanda is a friend of the family that needed help moving so I told her I do it cause well she was a friend of the family. Now the drive to Belle Vernon took me through Finleyville, PA a sleepy little hamlet in Allegheny county – Belle Vernon is also a sleepy little town in Washington county about 15 minutes from downtown (I use the term downtown loosely as it was two whole blocks) Finleyville. I had directions to her place from Finleyville and the drive out there took me onto route 28 – pass Trax farms. The drive out there was not bad but coming back it was enjoyable, I was moving at a rapid rate just a tad above the posted speed limit but not by much, sort of and I came to a bend in the road and what was waiting for me on the other side of the bend? Local PD, I did not see it until it was to late but I kept going and I saw the car pull out on to the road about 2 minutes behind me but without sirens so I kept going but at a slower speed limit then the posted limit. I crossed the county line and made it into Allegheny and I saw the local PD pull off and turn around. So my question is this, did I outrun a local bacon patrol? Guess it does not matter but after I made it back into Allegheny on the way back I was thinking – just thinking of stopping by a friend house to apologize but I got to the street and thought some more about it and I got cold feet so I blew past the house. I did honk but I did not stop. I got down past Library, PA and got a call from Bro he asked if I was going out to our mother’s for dinner cause he was and he wqas taking Cindi Lou. I thought about it and was like yeah sure why not. We got there about the sametime and it was me, my brother, Cindi. Mom, Stepdad and my step sister.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Classic westerns

My favorite movie of all time is The Good, the bad the ugly by Sergio Leone - staring Clint Eastwood. In fact I recently purchased the complete set of his best works that include The Good, the bad, the ugly , A fist for of dollars, For a few dollars more, and Hang 'em high. All classic westerns...