Reality TV

You know, I try not to watch a lot of reality tv, and I guess it’s because I think I’m smart. But sometimes I just can’t help it. Also, in the case of last night’s rerun of the Real World, it makes me feel better about myself. Just when I’m seriously starting to believe I’m crazy, the lead character goes and blows me out of the fucking water. Holy shit. I know, she has cystic fibrosis, so let’s give her a break, but the whole thing with wearing the “Dave Rocks” hat and waiting to see the moon because they just had a fight, I mean - I don’t even have a joke here.

Coming in at a close second in the “I’m the craziest bitch on the planet” race is Robin. Robin might actually be ahead of Frankie, but I’m in love with her, so I’ll put her second. She reminds me a lot of the woman I will someday marry - irresponsible, drunk, angry, but with GIGANTIC boobs. I wonder what is the over-under on months before Robin is in some sort of porn? I’d say 6. What are the odds that I will buy that porn in both DVD and VHS format? I don’t think Vegas will even touch that one - there’s no element of chance.

Fear Factor is the show that pisses me off the most. Can’t you run out of species of bugs to eat or buildings to jump off of? Well, I guess you can’t, but don’t people get tired of watching it? What’s next, “Tonight contestants, you have to eat the contents of this bucket, and the bucket is filled with….used syringes and human feces!” or “Contestants, for tonight’s competition we will put each of you in an 8×8 cage with a grizzly bear that you must fight to the death. To make it interesting, we haven’t feed the bear in over a week, but we have been giving it Red Bulls and lots and lots of cocaine and hitting it in the genitals with a tazer. Amber, you’re first - good luck and may God have mercy on you.”

I have the perfect idea for a television show, and it’s currently being shopped. You take a beer distributor, and you make it a liveable apartment. Then you take eight people, from 21-25, four guys and four girls, and make them live there. The catch: they have to drink all the beer in the warehouse in eight weeks, and they each win $500,000.

Just take a minute to think of it. In the opening show, the host could be like, “To put that in perspective, that’s sixteen beers per day, per person, for the next fifty-six days” to make it all dramatic. And you could have all of your stereotypes: a super hot girl who’s a bitch, an alright looking girl with a heart of gold, a fat chick who loves to party, and another girl; then a frat guy who loves to party, a guy who gets drunk and gets morbidly depressed, a guy who always wants to fight when he’s drunk, and another guy.

Think of the drama that would unfold. The deception, the fights, the hooking up. There could be challenges, where whoever wins the challenge can take a day off from drinking and make the others drink their beer. I’m not sure if we should let them outside the apartment/distributor, but I think you would have to, lest they start taking each other’s lives. The details haven’t exactly been fine-tuned yet, but one thing is certain: it would be the best show in television history and it would make me so rich that I could sleep with tons of foxy ladies and keep my shirt on the whole time, and they wouldn’t say things like, “Why do you always keep your shirt every time we have sex?” or “I’m not having sex with you in the shower again because last time you kept your shirt on and it really freaked me out.”

You know, I don’t throw the word “genius” around often, but I think this certainly warrants it.