Catching up

Well, life has been pretty busy lately. As I stated before, I'm really liking banking. It's been awhile now and it feels like I've been there for much longer. Everyone has been commenting on how well I'm fitting in too, so that kinda makes it easier...since it is a new job and everything. Well not really, not anymore but I did transition from small business to the corporate side so I guess it is new again? Anyway, it keeps me busy and I really enjoy it. So, by the time I get home, all I wanna do is go to bed. Unfortunately my noisy new tenants like to party, I surly miss good old Kelly. She was the tenant that rented the unit above me, we sort of had a agreement, you see I worked days and she worked nights, she was a nursing student. Anyway I would not make noise to wake her up when I was leaving in the morning and she would not make noise to disturb me at night when she got home. That all change with Mr. And Ms. Party animals. I do not mind being loud on a Friday or Saturday but Sunday, Monday and Wednesday too?! Oh well them are the breaks, besides in the morning I can listen to my stero as loud as I want and sometimes I even forget to shut it off when I go to work. ~ Smile ~ anyway I have given serious consideration to moving. After this summer I will be returning to finish my masters, if I apply myself and go full time I can graduate by next fall. I can do it, and then it means finding another new job, I thought about it. Teaching jobs are hard to come by in the state of Pennsylvania. KC is right this whole region is economically depressed and dieing. Few if any good job exists for someone without experience; we are not considered the rust belt for nothing. I do have a connection that I could use to help me with a major transition in my life. I have spoken to her a few times, and I have numerous emails that she sent providing guidance to how I can earn a professional certificate to teach in another state. I can land a JOB offer before I even move and that would make moving easier. Especially since I know I will be working. The stress of working in a summer training session then afterwards of having to interview for a jobs well at the same time trying to build a new life in a strange town was one factor that kept me from taking that previous opportunity. I closed that door, but I also opened another when I met the recruiter. I have to stay focus on the goal. The goal that can give me the fresh start I have wanted all my life. I can not allow myself to fall back into that old thought pattern of self-doubt and self-pity. The goal is what I have to stay focus on. The goal!

My weekends are usually so busy/hectic with stuff that I don't get a chance to rest, I have made it a point to do something, anything even if it just biking on the trail. My roommate once said I was always around the house. At work ever since I started corporate accounts, I've been trying to make a point to not do anything on the weekends so I can rest. So far, it's working out. This weekend will be pretty low key. Tonight I'm just laying around trying to catch up on TiVo not really I do not own TiVo Anyway, tomorrow I am going to the gym – yes I found that I can still access the gym even after I successfully fought and won my dispute with that gym! Alright for me! Sunday morning, I'll probably pick a few things up around the apartment, go the grocery store, and take a nap then drive out to my Mother’s to celebrate my brother’s birthday. Monday night, I was invited to a party, yes can you believe it? A coworker is having a little get together with Beckie and RJ, but I am probably going to bail after an hour or so and go home. I have really not been in a mood to be around people in general, can not explain just want to be alone.

That's about it really. Next week things should slow down a bit at work. With the months end and also quarter end now being over and all. I am expecting a rather messy loan coming back to me from audit, oh yeah it was one of those grey issue type things.

Well, I think that's about it. I'm really surprised it's July already.

Scarface shootout!

Sicko

Top 10 George W. Bush Moments

Number 88

On the way home yesterday as I was zipping past The Locker Room I almost ran over a local legend. An sports star, the 2005 MVP, number 88 of the Pittsburgh Steelers - Heinz Ward. Rumor has it Heinz Ward owns the establishment and as I was biking home I saw I bad-arse car pull up. A real classy car, something you expect a rap star to own pull up and Heinz (We are on a first name basis) gets outs and walks over to the sidewalk and I was to busy trying to figure out if it was really him or not and not paying attention to where I was going and came within inches of hitting him. Instead of being a SOB he laughed and said, "whoa now". And to that I answered ... well i did not answer cause I had nothing to say. What a dum arse! My chance to meet a great sports star! Oh well that life, other then that things are picking up. June was the best month ever, the corporate training is going well. I feel strongly I am learning a great deal more and for the first time I feel strongly that I have more of a future - a bright future. Oh well I got to get back to work as it is month's end and busy time at the bank.

Acceptance

I can never feel good about my performance or myself. ... That is the why I seek acceptance and value about me in others. Some people can do both. But for me I do not. I do know that any belief that promotes a positive attitude for life is good for me and ... another one was just a word of approval from a parent or an friend. Does that make sense? I have been seeking another’s approval of my actions throughout my life, first it was my father, and later on it was my friends – most notably Tracy and Charity. Why DO I SEEK another approval in order to feel good about me? .... I have no easy answer for that, external influences has always made me feel better about myself. There was no trace of people expressing mild approval in the past and this has often in times past forced me to double my effort to win that approval I craved so much and in so doing I end up alienating those that I do not wish to do so. Case in point, Tracy, Charity, my father, and to a lesser extent my brother Shawn. Although my relationship with my brother has improved but it is still by far not what I normal brother-to-brother relationship should be. I seen many friends make significant improvements within their lives, changes that often were drastic. My buddy Anthony is a good example, after the little issue he had in the school he was student teaching at he hit rock bottom but instead of staying there he seized a opportunity for a better job – a dream job in Vegas and moved on. Now he is married and relocated to yet another city - in life he has progressed. As for me when the opportunity presented itself I retreated, afraid to take the chance.

In the past year I made significant progress within my life - compared to where I was the summer of ’05 –2006 was indeed a year of change for me, just as 2007 was year of continued change. There is still so much more work for me to do. At times I can feel myself falling into those old throught pattern of thinking I am not worthy for whatever the reason. 2008 will be a defining year for me, that I know. I just have to be patient, stay the course I am on and above all accept me for me because after all that is the only thing that counts.

Choices

On the heals of "choices" comes some thoughts about excellence. I can tell your sitting on the edge of your seats for this one. Don't expect anything great (or excellent).

I've realized lately in my life that it takes a ton of work to be excellent at something. At the bank one of our core values is "excellence _______." We're definitely not there yet but I believe we're heading in that direction. I konw I'm not the first to say this but in order to be excellent it means doing a few things very well rather than many things halfway. In corporate-life it means fewer but more meaningful services, less but more effective programs and fewer but more broad outreach events to a customer base.

In life it means that I will never be a great golfer, hunter, fisherman, or guitar player because, honestly, I'm not willing to put in the time or effort to be excellent at all (or any) of those things. Being excellent at something means making choices and making choices means making sacrifices. Here's my choice: I want to be a great husband, a great father and a great teacher but not in that order. The rest... meaningless details.

So what if I can't hit a ball 350 yards straight down the fairway. Who cares if I unload my shotgun trying to hit one bird that turns around and laughs as it flies away. Big deal if I've never mastered the art of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" on the guitar. As long as my wife is happy, my son knows I love him and the school students loves and, or respects their teacher, life is pretty excellent! After all it is not about the destination but the journey to get there.

Hump day thoughts

I was tired last night. So tired in fact, that I fell asleep while watching a documentary about the Iraq War on PBS. Along with the TV, I switched off the control freak in me, and settled into bed. I hardly ever allow myself more than 6 hours of sleep. Of course the mobile rings the second I slip into a comfortable state of unconsciousness. Grunt, sigh, grunt, click. 30 seconds later I'm lying face up, then on my right, then left, up again. I can almost hear the minutes tiptoe past. I try to think about sheep, work, vacation, and what to wear to work the next day. And I'm filled with evil thoughts about the untimely caller. God damn it. More tossing, kicking at the quilt, plans to work overseas – shhhhh. I wake up this morning, still thinking evil thoughts. I snooze the alarm, steal someone else's 15 minutes - the very golden pulses stolen from me the night before. I brace myself for a busy day. One of linking cells to endless spreadsheets, admiring from a far at the new girl, and looking forward to morning coffee, then lunch, and idle mid-afternoon chats. We talked about plans and fulfilling hopes, about traveling, buying land, and making money. I am beginning to feel an urgent need to whip up a goal. Something short-term, something to look forward to, work towards, feel excited about, save money for, make come true. I need to get off my inertia-ed arse and make semi grownup plans. I need to find what I want for myself, and make it happen. I've never craved for much - because things always seemed to just fall into place. Or I somehow stumbled into the right spot. I need to feel passionate enough about something. Enough that it hurts if I can't have it. Back in the day New York City did it for me but I was not accepted into the program. It certainly felt right. Walking down Madison Ave alone, in my Kakis and sport coat, I remember thinking that I hadn't been this happy in a long time. I am rarely happy when alone. Content maybe, but seldom skippy-lala happy, in fact I can think of the last time I was that happy. I don't care that I'll not be able to afford house (I could probably afford a new car, but not the parking fees, nor the patience). I could forsake the fortnightly shopping and live with a monthly budget. Live away from home? Live away from Pittsburgh - That I'm not sure. I don't know how Anthony did it when he first left Pittsburgh for Las Vegas or KC when he left for Atlanta but if they both have taught me one thing is that they both have prospered after leaving the rustbelt that is Pennsylvania. I was so afraid, so sublimely ignorant. Having endured the loneliness of most of my life, occasional helplessness, not to mention the dusty carpets, I find it hard to marshal enough courage to really break free and go for it. If the opportunity presents itself again in Florida could I do it all over again but this time say YES? I know it's what I'll be thinking about in bed tonight.

The usual case

Despite my usual case of the Mondays, I did manage to drag myself to the gym this afternoon. I'd make the perfect catholic or jewish father, as it was more guilt than anything that coerced me from my cozy cocoon.

I could hear people getting ready, and my inner voice (aka The Screaming Banshee) was guilting me into going "c'mon lazy ass, you gonna let some guy show you up? you're never gonna loses that last _ 5 pounds before summer, do you even WANT to buffed for the beach, or just look like shamu under the umbrella?" (what, I never said the Banshee was a positive motivator). Finally, the Banshee gave me a good ole' "hooah" leftover from watching full metal jacket over the weekend.

Anyway, while elipticalling (what, if you run, you're running, on a bike you're biking, I was on the elipitcal ergo, elipticalling), I learned something from Charmed (my gym has terrible taste in TV shows, but I gotta say, I've become a secret late fan of the show). Who knew that a Merry-Go-Round has ALL animals on it, whereas a Carousel has only horses? Not me! And to think I've lived my entire life thus far not knowing the difference, and what's more that I learned it from Charmed...

But what I learned is this: old people are more annoying than any other group within a gym. Between all their side chatter, the ups and downs to the crapper, the unwrapping of their sweeties, and their general forgetting to use their indoor voices is really freaking bothersome. AND they're wicked slow getting outta the way when I am leaving (thank god there wasn't a fire) which is never a good thing, especially when I gotta pee because I drank a gallon of coke.

AND because I drank said gallon of coke, I'm also WICKED pisser wired and so NOT tired (and a little bit shaky from the caffeine and sugar overdose) hence my rambling post.

So, now as I write this, I'm watching this show on TLC (which I'm convinced often stands for Totally Lame Content) is about the Arndt family in Milstadt, Illinois (which incidentally, is not far from Pittsburgh) and these folks have 14 - FOURTEEN - kids - 13 boys and only ONE girl.

What is wrong with these people who don't believe in birthcontrol? My mother’s family had 9 kids (and they live right there, too) - must be something in the water... or the koolaid.

Clearly, I need a better hiding place...

True poetry

"The thoughts
that you are conscious of
having during your day
are personal thoughts.

They are about your life,
your work, your family,
your friends,
your past and future,
your desires and fears.

By identifying with your thoughts,
you remain bound
to individual, separate experience.

In meditation,
if you can be a witness to your thoughts,
allowing them to come and go
without identifying with them,
without getting caught up in them,

what eventually happens
is that the thoughts no longer
become personal.

You free yourself
from the identification
with your individual personal self
and enter into
a dream like state.

You can lose all experience
of having a body or name
or place.

You seem to fly
without structure
through visions, dreams
mental experiences
that cannot be understood by the mind.
It is a blissful experience.

To experience yourself
beyond the confines of
your individual thoughts and emotions

is so freeing
it cannot be explained in words.

Dear Cousin

I called my father this morning to say hello and see how he was doing because I do care about him. The conversation was awkward to say the least cause it opened and ended with me getting a lecture. I do not like being lectured so why did this happen? Well dear old cousin Adam, (FYI, the dear old part is sarcasm) was surfing the web in attempt to read about our uncle's passing - well anyway one thing led to another and he discovered my brother's family website which is now gone because according to my cousin the Arabs took it over and planted Islamic flags, maps of Turkey, battle plans to take over the west and all that crap! It gets better, according to cousin whom explained “his friend” had told him that my brother is now being investigated by the FBI because of his family site. Ummmm, now I am not a special agent for that government agency but I am sure that agents are not suppose to give information to family member of those being investigated and since we share the same last name then I am sure that friend of his – if he has a friend knew they were related. It gets even better he also found my blog and of course he shared it with my father whom then in turn gave me and lecture on identity theft. I wanted to say, "i know the dangers, i am not stupid" but i did not say that because it would of caused a conflict. I bit my tongue held what I wanted to say in! Kept silent. I am not stupid, I keep things generic, I use no full names, I post no pictures of me or my family, I say nothing - SPECIFIC. I give no ss# number, credit card information, or other personal information. I DO RANDOMLY RECORD MY THOUGHTS ON A GIVEN DAY. So because of dear old cousin Adam, the arrogant ass that he is I had to hear a lecture, so from me to you dear cousin GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Sincerely,
your cousin

Monday blahs

It's a Tuesday but I got the Monday blahs... Oh well that's life i guess?!

Thoughts about Uncle

‘I have come in order that you might have life – life in all its fullness.’
John 10:10

What is fullness of life, and how can we live a full life in today’s world? Is it just a question of our own lives as individuals, or is it also about our relationships, community and society?

My desire for fullness of life and longevity is inherent within all of me just as it is with my parents and each of you – the readers. A wise man once said, “God did not create mankind to die, but to live.” Fullness of life is what I desire most but I am also sure that which everyone also desires. At church the preach that God Himself desires that and for every person for Jesus said, "I am come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). The question is not do we want it, the question is how do we achieve it? I think I know how I can achieve it but I am so full of self doubt.

To enjoy fullness of life in the my present life, there are number of things I must do:

1) Good genes

2) A goal or purpose for living

3) An optimistic outlook on life

4) Ability to handle stress well, and

5) Good diet and health care. Apart from the first one, which no one can control, though exercising the other four can be a contributing factor to the succeeding generations in their genes, the ability to have fullness of life and longevity is achievable by adhering to these factors.

What brought this topic up? Well over the weekend I received word that Uncle died. Who do you ask is Uncle? His full name is Paul ________, he lived to be 91, of Oakland, he passed away on June 8. Uncle was my father’s mother – brother which made him my fathers uncle and my great uncle. I do not know much about him nor did I spend much time talking to him growing up as Uncle and my father did not get along. Just very briefly when he was 15 he dropped out of school and started working to support himself – at the age of 18 he landed a job with The Yellow Cab company and it was there he spent his entire adult life. My grandmother - on my father’s side came to live with him at this time when my grandfather a abandoned his family for Sin City. So it was Paul, or better known as Uncle whom adopted my father and his two brothers as his family. He provided for them and kept a roof over their heads. Today he was laid to rest at the same cemetery as my Grandmother was laid to rest in 2003. I wish I would of gotten to know him better but well I do not know what else to say.

To vote or not to vote

Once again, as Election Day approached the political bullsit intensifies: never mind for whom, but vote! It's your birthright, etc etc. For those troubled by a vague feeling that they are being hornswaggled, I write this post to offer comfort. At first I thought of not voting because it carries no weight.

Here are the round numbers of non-voters, out of our 280 million population:

30% aren't allowed
20% don't register
20% don't bother
----
70% stay home

The remaining 30% take part in the circus and about half of those (16% of the whole, or about 1 in 6) vote for the victor, who then governs all 100% for the next 4 years; only in the fairyland of democratic theory can this be called "majority rule." By the way the facts above come from foxnews. So Shhhh do not tell anyone I listen to radical right news service, I am suppose to be a crazy liberal therefore I am suppose to listen only to CNN only.

One of my main reasons for considering not voting come November 2008 is that it's a waste of time because the outcome of the election is rigged anyway. By "rigged" I don't mean that the actual victor is chosen in advance or that the figures are fabricated or that the ballots are mishandled (though that did happen in 1960 and more recently in 2004) but just that the Republicrat (I created a new word) machinery is so powerful that all rivals are effectively excluded; for certain in practice, the winner WILL be either Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee. Example: in St Louis, rivals Badnarik and Cobb attempted to enter the debate building to serve legal papers on the Debate Commission to protest their exclusion from the debates; but they were promptly arrested.

You never heard of Badnarik or Cobb? - that's precisely my point. Google Badnarik and Cobb VS. Missouri

If I have the right to vote, then I also have the right to tell politicians how they can earn my vote. I’m politically independent, and will remain that way until the day I die. What do I ask for? Nothing unreasonable.

1. No negative campaigning, ever. I don’t mind a healthy debate, but when it comes to mudslinging - there’s no easier way for you to earn my non-vote. You’re trying to prove that you’re more trustworthy than your competitor by illustrating how your competitor is less trustworthy. Are you REALLY THAT STUPID (or is the population of my country RELALY THAT STUPID to reinforce this kind of behavior)?!

2. Avoid hardline affiliation. So, you’re running on the Democratic ticket? You don’t have to remind me of that every time you open your mouth. Ultimately, it’s what you do in office and with your peers that matters. For whatever it’s worth, today’s conservatives make Barry Goldwater look like a liberal - and even Goldwater (himself) predicted that would eventually happen.

3. Share your true passions. The “issues” are going to change over time, so don’t try to win me over by guessing what I want to hear. Tell me what you think, and I’ll decide whether or not I like the way you tell me. I don’t want to see what you’re doing on the campaign trail - what were you doing before you hit the campaign trail? Stand by your own convictions, not the convictions someone tells you to stand by.

4. Stay out of my personal life. Do you pay my bills? Do you decide how I should spend my hard-earned money? Do you tell me which non-profit organizations I should support? Do you live with me? Do you drive across town to get me to work every morning? Then please, don’t try to make other personal decisions for me.

5. Consider a new public relations team. I can’t think of anybody more out of touch with reality than someone in “PR” (seriously). If you need good advice, listen to your parents and/or your closest friends. If you want help getting the word out or lining up engagements, just ask the blogosphere. “We” really believe in you - even though we’re not on your payroll.

I’m not throwing my vote away - the system is. These are just personal pet peeves, not necessarily political ones. Hey, this IS a personal blog titled MY THOUGHTS!

Someone I used to once know

I was looking through some old pictures last night and couldn’t help but think back over all the memories I have of friends from beyond. They each enriched me in some way. They all provided something that I needed at that moment. Some people were around briefly, like the fellow PNC Banker who used to hit the bars with me. (Yes, I’m guilty of this.) Others have been around literally my entire lifetime, and I couldn’t and won’t imagine life without them. (That’s right, my mom is going to live forever!) Others were temporary visitors, they either chose to leave or were evicted for one reason or another. Each and every single one of them helped shape who I am today.

I know now, that not every person you meet is worth having as a friend. The friends you do have in your life should respect you, understand your faults, and be willing to form a partnership of give and take. I know now that possessions may fill a room, but love and, or friendship fills your heart for the worth that person may bring to your life. This doesn’t stop me from wanting for friends of a by gone day, but it is no longer a top priority. Some call this growing up. I call it evolution. Everybody grows, but not everybody evolves. Some forget the importance of please, thank you, and you’re welcome. More even forget “I’m sorry.”
When I look back, I laugh and am thankful for so much. I’m thankful for my first failed well you know? Kristina was all important at one time. Yes, even that taught me something, precisely what I didn’t want in a potential mate. I’m thankful for those who have failed me in the past, for teaching me the true meaning of friendship. I’m thankful for those I’ve left behind, for teaching me how to keep company that is right for me. I’m thankful for blogger.com for pushing the emotional envelope. I’m stronger for having been broken, and have learned to rebuild (this blog is a work in progress.) I’m thankful for illnesses in my family, who have taught me to not take time for granted.

I’m not sure where my path is leading. I am certain that wherever it goes, I will remember the lessons of the past. The lesson is simple, slow down. I’ve been searching for the brass ring, the smiling little one who will call me sweetie, or just friend. What I need to remember that life is happening around me. I need to enjoy it. Just don’t tell me that, ok? It’s my lesson, not one to be preached to me.

I was one in which I waited for my path to choose me. I think I may have an inkling what I want more in life, but I guess you can say I’m waiting rather impatiently for a sign to show up. So, today I laughed. I enjoyed today. Just as I enjoyed Saturday evening hanging out if ever so briefly with friends of days past.

Corporate accounts - Day 2

Day two of my training for corporate accounts, it's going well. It appears to be no different then what I am currently doing for the private clients accounts but as I was told by our trainor - every deal in corp is a product all on it's own. She said that with a smile!

The year of getting hitched

Tis must be the year of getting married. Just about everyone I know is getting hitched. First there was my buddy Anthony whom got married to a girl in Vegas... she had three kids in which according to Jason he adopted. I wish him the very best and now my brother. Yes my big brother Shawn P. has broken the news to the family that he asked Cindy if she would marry him. He told me on Friday, he sent me a text message saying, "hey you want to hang out in ss (ss means southside) with me & cindy" he replied, "sure". We ended up having dinner at a new joint called the Double wide bar and grill - it was a old gas station before the made it into a resturant and they did a very good job with the creation. Anyway there he told me about his engagement and Cindy showed me the ring with the big butt diamond! Shawn told me how he popped the question to her, they went to Niagra falls for the weekend and on a carriage ride through the park he asked to stop at a romantic spot were couples usually go to pop the question and it was there he got on one knee and asked for her hand. Romantic old fool, huh?! He told it better then I am right now but trust me when I say it was romantic. After Friday I never felt so alone or so much like a complete loser until after that cause I compared myself to him. It was wrong of me, I know but I always compare myself to others. I am very happy with for my brother because Cindy is a great girl I know the two of them will be happy. Saturday was uneventful except I spent most of the day moving - not that I moved but I had to help brother move ... yes he decided to rent a house with his soon to be new wife. Saturday evening was interesting to say the least I ran into a couple of ladies I have not spoken to in ages but that is all i am going to say on that subject. I have to get back to work as I must get several accounts complete as this afternoon and for the rest of the week I will be in training - corporate training. It's not a promotion it is back filling positions that were lost. It's either corporate account or audit and I do not like audit... so for now I must say goodbye.