Acceptance

I can never feel good about my performance or myself. ... That is the why I seek acceptance and value about me in others. Some people can do both. But for me I do not. I do know that any belief that promotes a positive attitude for life is good for me and ... another one was just a word of approval from a parent or an friend. Does that make sense? I have been seeking another’s approval of my actions throughout my life, first it was my father, and later on it was my friends – most notably Tracy and Charity. Why DO I SEEK another approval in order to feel good about me? .... I have no easy answer for that, external influences has always made me feel better about myself. There was no trace of people expressing mild approval in the past and this has often in times past forced me to double my effort to win that approval I craved so much and in so doing I end up alienating those that I do not wish to do so. Case in point, Tracy, Charity, my father, and to a lesser extent my brother Shawn. Although my relationship with my brother has improved but it is still by far not what I normal brother-to-brother relationship should be. I seen many friends make significant improvements within their lives, changes that often were drastic. My buddy Anthony is a good example, after the little issue he had in the school he was student teaching at he hit rock bottom but instead of staying there he seized a opportunity for a better job – a dream job in Vegas and moved on. Now he is married and relocated to yet another city - in life he has progressed. As for me when the opportunity presented itself I retreated, afraid to take the chance.

In the past year I made significant progress within my life - compared to where I was the summer of ’05 –2006 was indeed a year of change for me, just as 2007 was year of continued change. There is still so much more work for me to do. At times I can feel myself falling into those old throught pattern of thinking I am not worthy for whatever the reason. 2008 will be a defining year for me, that I know. I just have to be patient, stay the course I am on and above all accept me for me because after all that is the only thing that counts.