2006 A year of ...

2007 has begun, and it promises to be a turbulent year. but hopefully a fun one, too.. given my uncertainty as to what (or where) i'll be doing next year 2008, i'm trying to meet up with as many people as possible - pre-christmas 2007. I 'm still enjoying the new job but beyond that i just don't know. i have made no plans for post new years eve.. where did 2006 go? it seems to have raced past. it's been a really eventful year. much of it spent in the surreality of learning a new job before lunging intothe even greater surreality of building a new personal life away from the bars. Of course on a personal level 2006 has also been undoubtably the hardest of mylife so far. but in many ways the most rewarding. i've had a some fun. i have no regrets, okay I have a few. i'm now looking forward to a smoother 2007 as part of working out how i want to sustain myself over the next twelve months (what i want to do for a living) i've been thinking more broadlyabout what i want out of life. there are a few things i want from 2007. Here's the best job i can currently do at summarising those things;

- I wanted to mend "fences" repair damaged friendships of 2006. Alas I do not think that will happen as well I leave it at that.
- i want peace and quiet, and some space to be me but not to much space to become a hermit. this will likely involve moving house, in some way.
- i want a (slightly more conventional?) relationshipbeing single or semi-detached have their advantages, and over this year i have enjoyed being in both of those states. however sometimes i find myself yearning both to give and receive love. to find a soulmate - to be emotionally bound once again. Maybe 2007 is the time to move on and open myself to the possibility of that. i know it can't be forced. and i know that life is surprising.
- i need a holiday for various reasons i haven't had a rest all year. sometime early in 2007 i need to take a holiday. a break. a rest. i need to unplug,disconnect, hop on a plane. go somewhere to remind myself of what i already know... that very little matters. i need to slow down. i need a major perspective experience. i need to unwind. and i think a change of environment will help to reinvest me. rejuvenate or more like it developing a passion for life.
- i want to work towards freedom the freedom to do radically new things. both in terms of how i sustain myself, and in working towards my barn dream. this all means reducingmy debts as the first step. which obviously has a bearing on my immediate work options. longer term i want whatever i do for work to be entirely in line with my beliefs and philosophies and moral code. Which to some whom havea low opinion of me is high. i want to put my money where my mouth is and become an embodiment of what i believe. but this will require hard work in preparation.
- i want to be me i want to make more time to find out what that means. and i want the courage to act on my own revelation.
- i want to simplify i need to normalise a little. i often talk about the benefit of unbalance.but i think that i want to increase the level of balance in my life. i'm not quite sure what this will mean yet. in short, what i'm looking for is a year built on base principles. the most fundamental things that are important to me.

'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Dubya and Rice

Prez. Bush and his faithful side kick Condoleezza Rice told The Associated Press on Thursday that Iraq is "worth the investment" in American lives and dollars and said the U.S. can still win a conflict that has been more difficult than she expected. Someone should of asked is it not worth the investment to spend that 120 billion dollars on Americans? You know the people that elected you...

Blast from the past if ever so brief

So I get this email, its short and to the point. Anyone know what pink taco means? Go on take a guess, I bet you don't.


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i recieved it....i saidd thanks...................... anthony- congrats- got your message...........pink taco is awsome isnt it................. Is she Italian?

Jason ________
Operations AnalystAdministrative and Customer Support Engineering
Fedex Ground
1000 FedEx Drive
Moon Township PA 15108

Christmas list

I got my Christmas shopping done, finally well not exactly I got Daddy O and my step Mom to still buy for. I intend on finishing up today and so I will break a long held tradition of mine and venturing to the malls for those last minute deals. I hate shopping malls! Loads and loads of pushie, nasty people all screaming for a better deal then what the store offers. People you are forgetting the meaning of Christmas! I want to scream at them but hey at times so have I. Then again haven’t we all forgotten what the real meaning of Christmas is?

I got my mom a very nice designer outfit, usually I buy gift certificates but this year I opted for presents. My brother I got two fitted … perhaps I won’t say anything yet. He might read this. My step dad, well I got him a Pirate jersey – A Pittsburgh Pirate jersey – the baseball team not the Yo, ho ho and a bottle of rum. My sister I got her a nice designer sweater she had her eye on and my nephews – my oldest nephew Paul I got him the club and some car cleaning supplies. Oh yeah update on Paul’s car, I explained earlier he got his first car, well that first one last about a week then the transmission died so my sister – his mom had it towed to the used dealer and cried lemon law so they agreed to exchange it for another so he went from being the owner of a Ford Taurus to the owner of a used Dodge Intrepid looked identically to Pete the purple dinosaur except it was white and did not have the rust. (Inside humor) Anyway that lasted about two weeks then the police called my sister and explain the car they purchased from the used dealer was not his to sale… yeah you know. So he now has a 2002 Chevy Monte Carlo that is sweet! Yes I said it was sweet and best of all she went to another deal to purchase it. He has a sound system in it that is … well when he has his rap playing you can hear him two blocks away. In fact when I drove it we had his music playing and the sounds waves vibrated my hair! Its loud! My two other nephews I got to run out to Toy R Us and pick up the video games they asked for the Xbox they are getting from Dad.

My father and stepmother are presenting me with a problem as usual. What do you buy a man that has everything? He just got himself a new Cadillac and also a plasma TV last month so what can I get him that does not scream your son is a cheap ass?!

I want to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

It's like hitting a brick wall

We know what it is like - we've all run into this wall at some point. I ran into one Thursday and it’s not that I had a car wreck I was speaking meteorically running into a wall. I build up the confidence to go over and talk to the attractive stranger. I have a thought of something interesting to say and then I stroll by. Suddenly a fleeting expression on the strangers face causes my confidence to shake. I no longer feel that opening remark is nearly as witty or interesting as it had been.

By the time I get across to the stranger my mouth opens and I manage to force out what I was going to say. Then immediately begin imagining the stranger frowning at me, turning away, maybe even laughing. My stomach tightens and palms sweat. Why does my mind have to focus on the worst possible outcome in a time when I need it least?

My emotions tend to reflect very recent and current experiences far more strongly than those that occurred in my recent past. Although this undoubtedly helps my survival, keeping me keenly aware of the local surroundings, when those experiences are negative my temporary confidence may get wildly distorted from reality… before the attractive female stranger has a chance I shoot myself down.

I believe that most of the limitations I have encounter in my life don’t exist out there in the world, but in between my own ears. My mind creates most of the limitations for ME. Conversely, it can be my greatest source of power. When or if I understand my own mind and know how to use it.

Cross roads

Today has started off much better than last week. I'm not as tired and I'm definitely feeling a fair bit happier. I'm starting to think that I may just have been exceptionally tired. I skipped a couple of pre-planned events to just lounge around the house and Sunday, and I did not work that retail job! That was draining... which was one of the best things I could have done. I even managed to watch a movie on TV without falling asleep! Yeah me watch tv, you have to have lived with me. I missed breakfast this morning and I'm starving right now so I'm having my dinner early. Thankfully, I have some instant chicken noodle in my freezer at home that I can eat for dinner!

I have come to a cross road in life where I must now chose between what my desire is and what pragmatically I can accomplish. Do I continue down the path I am on or do I dare embrace the path I am on now and dare to dream of a life as a banker. My first review is done and so far so good, got another coaching and my pre-qualities errors are way done. To the extent I got a good job! There is more to it, the post-bac program has ht a snag that I was not aware of and well I am going to have to rethink it or accept a crushing debt. It all comes down to $$$ yes money!

I am going to go now because I have a great deal to think about.

Nothin'

I get up at the same time every morning. I have the same morning routine too; getting up, brushing teeth, trying to run out the door without forgetting something vital. I don't like mornings because I'm a night person. I go to work, keep busy, never allow my mind to drift, I stay focus on work I come home tired, wanting a nap to refresh me. I collapses on the couch, emotionally exhausted from the mere task of coping. While I stay focused on my work, my school – homework I struggle to focus on, I fight the panic, sadness, and disparity that well up day after day. At night, I worry about not being productive enough so I stay up late. Sleep terrifies me at times. I can stay awake and stare, clutching at covers, berating myself for how juvenile a thing that is that I did. When sleep comes, it floods me with ugly visions of pasts forgotten and presents that seem all too vivid. I can find no relief, only the nightmares that I force into submission during the day. Sometimes, I trembles uncontrollably when it all crashes in and sob like a little girl. When the tears run dry, I retreat inside to confront the inner demons, and begs them to leave, even for a moment.

My favorite movie

Is It's a Wonderful Life is a 1946 Frank Capra film, produced by his own Liberty Films and released originally by RKO Radio Pictures. Dubbed by the American Film Institute one of the best films ever made, it placed #1 on AFI's 100 Years... 100 Cheers, a list of the most inspirational American movies of all time. It ranks 11th on AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies, a list of the greatest American films. The film has also been selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry.

The movie is the story of the life of everyman George Bailey, as told to his guardian angel Clarence Oddbody, who has been recruited to save him in his moment of need. That need came as Utterly desperate for a way out of prison and scandal and the suffering of his family, George asks Mr. Potter for help. Potter knows that Uncle Billy has misplaced $8,000 of the Building & Loan's money; he suggests that George has been gambling or having an extramarital affair, and taunts George: Look at you: you used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world! You once called me a warped, frustrated old man. What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk, crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help.

Critical moment, George prays. "Dear God...show me the way".

Potter declines to lend George any money, because the only collateral that he offers is a $15,000 life-insurance in which his equity is $500. In a bit of sinister, chilling humor, Potter says "Why, George, you're worth more dead than alive" and says that he will swear out a warrant for George's arrest on charges of malfeasance and manipulation of funds.

Realizing this is indeed true, George departs while Potter is still speaking, and drives to Mr. Martini's bar, where he drinks. He prays to God for deliverance from his woes. Mr. Welch, husband of Zuzu's schoolteacher, recognizes George and, irate that his wife cried for an hour after George yelled at her over the telephone, punches George in the face. He is then quickly thrown out of the bar as the other customers as well as Mr. Martini admire George and hate to see him so upset.

Feeling his life insurance policy in his coat pocket, George interprets this blow as God's answer to a man in need, and, sick with the way the world has been cruel to him for his entire life, is now on the verge of suicide.

George has truly lost faith in the people of the world, and in God...

Introspective thoughts and a few words of wisdom

Well, as of recently, things for me haven't been the greatest but a big improvement from last year. As I sit here hinking about the past and the present I realize that I am at a huge cross roads in my life and because of it I've done a lot of soul searching and deep thinking -- strange, me thinking, I know right? Just look at the previous run on sentence and this from a hope-to-be English teacher. But I have given I a great deal of thought. It's funny how life treats you and how things turn out. One day you wake up and everything is how you remembered it being the night before when you went to bed, and the next day, nothing is the same. I've had the rug pulled out from under me, and my heart broken. I’ve been through career changes some I chose to change for example FedEx, others not of my choosing, like PNC. I seen friendships I held dearly end, I saw a few born. It's funny, you know....you think about all the sayings that people love to use and refer to often -- "se la vi", "Life is what happens when you make other plans", "Everything happens for a reason", "Life is what you make of it" but you never really realize how true, and hard it can be to swallow until things don't go the way you wanted or were expecting. It's so easy to say -- everything happens for a reason when you're happy and things are going great. It's not so easy to say that when things don't go well at all. Over the eight months, I have changed greatly as a person. I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned about my expectations of other people, of myself, how to handle some difficult situations, what my fuck it points are, and what are deal breakers. I've grown tremendously at work as a banker. I've earned the respect of many of the co-workers I work with to the point they seek me out when they are struck with one of their accounts. That is a great compliment to me - especially having only been a banker for 8 months. I've learned that I have some really great friends that I never knew I had, and I've got some friends that aren't really friends at all. I've learned new perspectives on life. Things that have opened my eyes to the reality of the world. I see nothing the way I did a year ago. In some instances I'm grateful for all the experience and in some cases I wish I didn't have the experiences. But as I'm sure there's a saying for it -- it's made me who I am today. I think I'm a better person than I was a year ago, but I think there is a lot to still improve upon. I'm still growing and changing.

For the first time in a long time, I look into the future with a optimistic view. I have my future goal more like a dream of mine – standing in front of a class teaching but that is a long term goal. For now I live day to day, I have no real plans for the now, for the present. I am not making sense, I have a future goal but nothing for tomorrow or Saturday, or Sunday, how about New Years? I know from Monday thru Friday I will be working at the bank 7am to 3:30pm but that is it. I know I will be in class two days a week next term working on that goal of mine, but that is the extent. Growing old alone this of course scares the shit out of me, but I just have to remind myself that I have to seize every opportunity that present itself to me. The opportunity – everything and everyone is a opportunity. I can make of it anything I want it to be. It's my choice. That's the greatest thing I've learned. It is my choice. We each create the world we live in. If we want a world of stress, work, and deadlines, we create that for ourselves. If we want a relaxing world where family is the center, we create that to. We adjust our lives according to priorities and the things we find most important and hold dear. This is such a simple thought but so difficult to understand. We make happen what we want to happen. You are in control of your own life or as a friend once said to me, “I am the driver of the car.” I plan on making more changes in my life. I've got many things on my mind that I will share as they unfold. I'm not sure where life is going to take me, but I know how I plan to handle it.

Realizations ... I just had a realization. I realized nobody's life is perfect. Everyone has disappointment in their life. Everyone has a secret. Everyone has something they are ashamed of. Everyone is not happy about some aspect of their life. This came to me as I was writing the above part.

rough patches that make us who we are, and make us stronger. But I feel such an emptyness in my life. Such an emptyness, that at times, feels like there is no way out. I suppose only time will tell. But I will freely admit - it is not the image I miss or desire. It is the experiences.

A Joke

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings " The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings " The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." ...........You're gonna love this........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was abarbitchyouate.