Introspective thoughts and a few words of wisdom

Well, as of recently, things for me haven't been the greatest but a big improvement from last year. As I sit here hinking about the past and the present I realize that I am at a huge cross roads in my life and because of it I've done a lot of soul searching and deep thinking -- strange, me thinking, I know right? Just look at the previous run on sentence and this from a hope-to-be English teacher. But I have given I a great deal of thought. It's funny how life treats you and how things turn out. One day you wake up and everything is how you remembered it being the night before when you went to bed, and the next day, nothing is the same. I've had the rug pulled out from under me, and my heart broken. I’ve been through career changes some I chose to change for example FedEx, others not of my choosing, like PNC. I seen friendships I held dearly end, I saw a few born. It's funny, you know....you think about all the sayings that people love to use and refer to often -- "se la vi", "Life is what happens when you make other plans", "Everything happens for a reason", "Life is what you make of it" but you never really realize how true, and hard it can be to swallow until things don't go the way you wanted or were expecting. It's so easy to say -- everything happens for a reason when you're happy and things are going great. It's not so easy to say that when things don't go well at all. Over the eight months, I have changed greatly as a person. I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned about my expectations of other people, of myself, how to handle some difficult situations, what my fuck it points are, and what are deal breakers. I've grown tremendously at work as a banker. I've earned the respect of many of the co-workers I work with to the point they seek me out when they are struck with one of their accounts. That is a great compliment to me - especially having only been a banker for 8 months. I've learned that I have some really great friends that I never knew I had, and I've got some friends that aren't really friends at all. I've learned new perspectives on life. Things that have opened my eyes to the reality of the world. I see nothing the way I did a year ago. In some instances I'm grateful for all the experience and in some cases I wish I didn't have the experiences. But as I'm sure there's a saying for it -- it's made me who I am today. I think I'm a better person than I was a year ago, but I think there is a lot to still improve upon. I'm still growing and changing.

For the first time in a long time, I look into the future with a optimistic view. I have my future goal more like a dream of mine – standing in front of a class teaching but that is a long term goal. For now I live day to day, I have no real plans for the now, for the present. I am not making sense, I have a future goal but nothing for tomorrow or Saturday, or Sunday, how about New Years? I know from Monday thru Friday I will be working at the bank 7am to 3:30pm but that is it. I know I will be in class two days a week next term working on that goal of mine, but that is the extent. Growing old alone this of course scares the shit out of me, but I just have to remind myself that I have to seize every opportunity that present itself to me. The opportunity – everything and everyone is a opportunity. I can make of it anything I want it to be. It's my choice. That's the greatest thing I've learned. It is my choice. We each create the world we live in. If we want a world of stress, work, and deadlines, we create that for ourselves. If we want a relaxing world where family is the center, we create that to. We adjust our lives according to priorities and the things we find most important and hold dear. This is such a simple thought but so difficult to understand. We make happen what we want to happen. You are in control of your own life or as a friend once said to me, “I am the driver of the car.” I plan on making more changes in my life. I've got many things on my mind that I will share as they unfold. I'm not sure where life is going to take me, but I know how I plan to handle it.

Realizations ... I just had a realization. I realized nobody's life is perfect. Everyone has disappointment in their life. Everyone has a secret. Everyone has something they are ashamed of. Everyone is not happy about some aspect of their life. This came to me as I was writing the above part.

rough patches that make us who we are, and make us stronger. But I feel such an emptyness in my life. Such an emptyness, that at times, feels like there is no way out. I suppose only time will tell. But I will freely admit - it is not the image I miss or desire. It is the experiences.