My Day as a Neanderthal

(Posted on a work computer)
As I write this, my Internet connection has been down for a day. I don’t want to sound as if I’m starting to panic or anything, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t given some thought to binge drinking.

I am cut off from the world. I feel like a fingernail clipping that has inexplicably flown ten feet and hidden under the bathroom scales. I am no longer a technology “have.” If I want information I am forced to make a phone call and engage in small talk. If I want to know the weather, I have to look out the window. This is no way to live. I am only a few levels of intolerance away from being a Taliban.

I still have my cell phone, thank the gods. But if I rely on that for all of the text messages I get, my thumbs will be the size of bowling pins. My normal body already causes people to look concerned and inquire “what happened?” I see no reason to fan that fire.

My whole morning has consisted of me thinking “Now I will…oh, that’s right.” I considered taking a drive somewhere, but I don’t go anywhere until I’ve researched it on a web site and done a fly-by using Google. I am not Daniel Boone, ferchrissake.

I worry that if this lasts much longer I will lose the few social skills I have. I’ll turn into some sort of wild animal, ever see that advertisment for greco auto insurance? The one that says,"its so easy even a caveman can do it.". (Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about what animal you look the most like.) They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it’s at least partially because they don’t have the Internet. What do you think?

I wonder if it’s too late to make it to that yoga class at the gym, fyi; I do not do yoga i just stand in the window and watch the healthy young women.