Hump day thoughts

Get your minds out of the gutter, its the middle of the week! I was tired last night. So tired in fact, that I fell asleep while watching Life according to Jim. Along with the TV, I switched off the control freak in me, and settled into bed. I hardly ever allow myself more than 8 hours of sleep. Of course the mobile rings the second I slip into a comfortable state of unconsciousness. Grunt, sigh, grunt, click. 30 seconds later I'm lying face up, then on my right, then left, up again. I can almost hear the minutes tiptoe past. I try to think about sheep, work, vacation, and what to wear to work the next day. And I'm filled with evil thoughts about the untimely caller. More tossing, kicking at the quilt, plans to work overseas. I wake up this morning, still thinking evil thoughts. I snooze the alarm, steal someone else's 15 minutes - the very golden pulses stolen from me the night before. I brace myself for a busy day. One of linking cells to endless spreadsheets, gazing at ... sweet Amber, and looking forward to morning break, then lunch, and idle mid-afternoon chats. I had agedashi tofu for lunch (I'm attempting a tofu-first: carb-free lunch). I thought about plans and fulfilling hopes, about travelling, buying land, and making money. I am beginning to feel an urgent need to whip up a goal. Something short-term, something to look forward to, work towards, feel excited about, save money for, make come true. I need to get off my inertia-ed arse and make semi grownup plans. I need to find what I want for myself, and make it happen. I've never craved for much - because things always seemed to just fall into place. Or I somehow stumbled into the right spot. I need to feel passionate enough about something. Enough that it hurts if I can't have it. It certainly felt right last year when I had a clear cut goal - teaching. Walking down East Carson street, I was so unafraid, so sublimely ignorant. Having endured the lonliness of the past four months, occasional helplessness, not to mention the dusty carpets, I find it hard to marshal enough courage to do it all over again. I know it's what I'll be thinking about in bed tonight.