How to Get Drunk Properly

This is for those people who don't know how to get drunk, or those that got really messed up when they did.

Steps
Make sure you know how to get home by heart. This is very important, because if you get plastered to the point of losing your memory, your self-preservation will kick in and will drive you to try to get home. If you don't know how to get home, don't bother drinking.

Get chasers. Before you drink, have at least one soda. Not only will it make drinking hard liquors easier, it'll also get you drunk faster, and with less hangover - because consuming non-alcoholic liquids before you drink helps stave the aftereffects of alcohol off.

Use the Buddy System: Make sure you know at least two people wherever you are when drinking. This is vital, so that you don't get robbed, raped, or worse. Always make sure one of those two friends is watching your drink if you leave it, and you return the favor and watch for them if they should need to leave their drink for any reason.

Remember the Golden Rule of Drinking: Beer Before Liquor: Never Been Sicker! Liquor Before Beer: Never Fear! Don't start with beer, wine or champagne. Take a shot of liquor. You need hard liquor, like gin, whiskey, vodka, rum, or cognac. You may switch to beer later if you want, but if you plan to drink hard liquor, always drink it first, and NEVER mix - don't drink a Mai Tai after a Margarita. If you want different drinks, choose those made with the same liquor: Martinis go fine with Screwdrivers. Tequila Sunrise is fine after a Margarita. Mojito is okay after Cuba Libre, and so forth.

Take a gulp of chaser. This can be anything from water to soda. As mentioned above, that's to ease down the liquor, and help avoid the hangover.
Know your limit! For some, it's 3 shots, for some it's 4 shots, for some, more. Repeat steps 4 and 5 the number of times needed to reach your limit - and chase each time with your chosen chaser.

Wait for 10 minutes. This is the best time period (for an average metabolism) to take in the initial effects of the alcohol (develop a buzz).
Check out how you feel. If you are light-headed, warm, everything is bright, and funny - you're already getting drunk. Proceed to step #9. If you don't feel anything proceed to step #10. If your stomach is clenched, and you feel like throwing up, stop, or go on to Step 12 and drink some chaser. The goal is to get to step #11 without getting drunk.

Repeat steps 4 and 5. When you feel drunk, you need to ease off on the drinking. Duh. Wait at least one hour before taking one more drink.
If you still feel drunk, but not to the point of being close to throwing up, take another shot. And so on, and so forth. You don't want to hurl all over your friends, that's not fun for you or for them. You just want to maintain your buzz.
Repeat steps 4 and 5. If you drank, and don't feel anything, you've got an iron liver. Drink one more, and then go back to step 8. If you feel drunk, go to step 9. If you're still not drunk, go back to step 10, but don't drink more than 5 shots at a time - EVER. You can get alcohol poisoning and die. It's not called "intoxication" for nothing - it's derived from the Latin word "toxic", which means POISON. And next time, consider changing your choice of alcohol. If you didn't get drunk on tequila, or it took way too many drinks, choose scotch next time, or vodka. See what works best for you.

Okay, you're very well plastered. Drink a bunch of chaser to avert the hangover, and wait for the alcohol to be fully absorbed into the bloodstream. Being on the verge of throwing up means that you've taken in enough to be potentially dangerous, so don't drink anymore. And frankly, if you feel like you need to throw up, go and do so, the sooner the better. It's best to get it out of your system before any more alcohol can be absorbed. Do this, preferably in a restroom, and not in the street, on your or your date's shoes.

Tips
NOT RECOMMENDED, But watch your friends if you see them doing it. Some hardcore drinkers mix beer and vodka. That's a Russian beverage called a Yorsch. Those things are dangerous, as they have led to comas. It really is not recommended, even for the experienced drinker.

This is a rough guideline for the first time you're drinking, or the first couple. Afterwards, you will get to know your own tolerance, and will be able to design a system of your own. The above system represents what the average body with an average metabolism can handle.

Talk to your friends and find out "how you did." Were you fun? Were you mean? Some people become nasty *ssh*les when they drink. If that's you, I recommend a different recreational habit, unless you don't care about having friends. If you did get mean, or morose, try changing alcohol. Tequila makes me a little sick. Rum or vodka don't seem to bother me that way. Get it?

If you do get a hangover, you can take pain relievers - most effective are aspirin, Tylenol, Advil or Aleve. You can also alleviate the symptoms by taking a multi-vitamin containing B-complex vitamins. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. Drink lots of water. Your mouth is dry and sticky because alcohol has a dehydrating effect. See the warnings of what you CAN'T take.

Warnings
Don't try to keep up with others. Know your own limits.
Don't drink and drive. Seriously. If you're drunk, your hand-to-eye coordination sucks, and you can do some damage. Like kill other people. Or yourself. For the sake of others, don't.
If you're some sort of bigot, try not to talk too much. The author has seen a racist get the shit beat out of him by a group of black people because he got drunk, and started badmouthing them. If you're opinionated, and drunk, try to keep your mouth shut. If you feel very strongly- then don't drink, or have friends to restrain you.
DO NOT take sleeping pills, or any prescription or non-prescription drugs with alcohol. The risk that you won't wake up is very, very real.

Things You'll Need
Alcohol
Chasers
Friends you trust
Transportation (public, or get someone to drive you)